All posts by Julie

Why am I not homeschooling yet? I know, I know...I can't believe it either

We had a lovely unseasonably warm day this week and headed out to the zoo after school.  We enjoyed the mostly empty zoo at a leisurely pace.  And I thought, why am I not homeschooling?  I should pull him and homeschool.  I see more signs pointing to this fact practically every day.  Questionable things happening at school, more and deeper unhappiness at home in the evenings.  I miss my son, and we’re experiencing negative behavior due to that disconnection between us.

We spent quite a bit of time with the penguins that day.
We spent quite a bit of time with the penguins that day.

I’m still struggling with the decision

I know all the above positives and negatives.   And yet, I’m struggling to make the actual decision.  Why?  I’m still trying to figure that out.

Why am I struggling?

All of the reasons I laid out in this earlier post about why I sent him to kindergarten in the first place.  They all still hold true.  We are still figuring the whole school thing out.

My son has mixed feelings. scan0001-1_20161031103006857 I’m not letting my 6-year old make this decision alone.  But I am discussing it with him, because his input is important to me.  And he wavers, depending on the day, about whether he wants to continue or not.

 

We are having a really negative teacher experience.  You might think that would make me run even faster.  And it is definitely a push, as it is majorly contributing to the negative feelings surrounding school.   But she’s new and might improve.  And she is not the entirety of the school experience.  I hate to let her make us miss out on any positives he’s experiencing.  And I met with the principal just days ago.  He seems great, and really seems to understand the issues we’re having.  He has a plan to help.

We’ll see more if we stay longer.   My son is excited for the art show at the end of the year, where he’ll have one or more projects on display.  He’s experienced a school party, a school book fair, and a couple school fundraising events.  He hasn’t been on a field trip, or seen an assembly.  There are a lot of school things he’ll see just this year that he won’t experience if we pull him.  Overall, I think that’s not a huge deal.  But I do want him to experience some of these things to know they exist.

I worry both of us will have a hard time keeping up with friends we will no longer see every day.  My son and I both have friends that we see because he’s going to school.  We can try and keep up with them, but once schedules change and we no longer see them by default every day, that’s easier said than done.

And I’m overwhelmed…

It’s a hard decision and it feels more permanent that it really is.  I know that we can change what we’re doing and make any number of different choices, including public and private school, part-time school, or homeschool.  No choice is permanent.  But every change requires a lot of thought and effort, at least for me.

It’s hard to be different and go against the norm.  Ahh, the biggest reason.  It’s hard to know that this non-mainstream decision is the right way to go.  I don’t have any experience with homeschool outside of the past couple years researching it, and many acquaintances who are homeschooling.  It feels really overwhelming to opt out of the choice that everyone else is choosing.

The Silver Lining

All that said, I’m fairly certain we’ve already decided we’ll homeschool next year.  Full-day school (as opposed to this year’s half days) is just not something I want for my family at this time.  Knowing that, I feel more comfortable with my current indecisiveness.  If things get worse at school, we’ll pull him.  But for now, we’re floating along a little further on the cloud of indecision.

A letter to my son’s kindergarten teacher regarding rewards

Dear Kindergarten Teacher,

My son came home very upset on Wednesday and it lasted through bedtime.  He’s told me that everyone but a few kids, including him,  received 4 reward stickers.   He said he wasn’t talking when they were given out and he isn’t allowed to ask you about stickers or he’d “get in trouble.” It seems that giving many students the large reward of 4 stickers is pretty obviously a punishment for those that didn’t receive them.

My son has had a rough start to school emotionally and has regularly not wanted to come.  As I told you in my email and at our conference, it’s been only two and a half weeks since he’s actually been fairly happy to come to school.  All because of a fun science experiment and because he’s had the chance to connect more with you as a person.  After last night I feel like we are back to square one.  Wednesday night in bed he asked me to tell you he moved so that he never has to come back.

We don’t use rewards in our family because we are working really hard to help our children develop intrinsic motivation and to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.  There is a lot of research available to support our beliefs in this regard.  I know you said at curriculum night that you don’t believe 5 and 6-year olds will make the right choices without rewards,  but research doesn’t agree. I’m linking a couple articles that are well-sourced with research articles noted. http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/risks-rewards/ and http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/case-gold-stars-2/

Obviously,  I’d love to see you do away with rewards all together,  as they are truly just the other side of the coin from punishment.  Kids are smart and they know that. But I mostly want you to know that what happens at school has long-lasting impact at home.  Even if his perception isn’t 100% what happened, it is still what happened to him, and illustrates another reason why rewards are a slippery slope.  My son’s school day negatively impacted the rest of the day for him (and us as a family),  and the next morning was not much better.  For a child who,  according to you,  understands and follows the rules,  that seems like a very harsh punishment.

I know you are concerned that they learn self-control and to work independently.  But my goals are different.  I want my son to further develop his love of learning and learn to appreciate being part of a school community.  I want him to learn that school is an enjoyable place to be, because without that how can it be expected that kids will want to be engaged, active participants? I want him to know that his teacher is a person he can go to for help. I’d really love to work with you to achieve those goals.

Thanks,
A concerned parent

A few other resources if you’re interested :
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-educators

http://www.naeyc.org/dap/10-effective-dap-teaching-strategies

Ghost Bowling — Halloween Special Time

We’ve had a really busy couple of months. We’ve been letting connection time with the kids go by the wayside and it shows. I’ve been feeling disconnected and I have to imagine they are as well. So when my son asked if we could have special time one evening, we made it happen. We set the timer for fifteen minutes and got out the ghost bowling set I’d been working on for a kindergarten party at school. My son and I drew on the faces with black marker. We found that our new toilet paper from Aldi had white rolls inside.  They make great ghosts!

A friend who was a long time kindergarten teacher suggested bowling with pumpkins rather than a ball. So we decided to try out an assortment of mini gourds we had. They were surprisingly different from one another in how they rolled.  It was a lot of fun watching them roll wildly.

Our assortment of gourds. The bumpy one rolled hilariously, and the pumpkin rolled so fast it rolled up the walls!
Our assortment of gourds. The bumpy one rolled hilariously, and the pumpkin rolled so fast it rolled up the walls!

My son also had the idea to hide pirate coins in the rolls and see how long it took to knock down the ghosts with the pirate coin inside. We took turns setting up the ghosts and hiding coins inside in different configurations.  Then we tried knocking them down one at a time (or not!) with the gourds and pumpkin. Our aim improved quite a bit in just a short period of time.

Pirate coins fit perfectly inside the rolls. Special time ideas at their finest!
Pirate coins fit perfectly inside the rolls.

Special time is one-on-one time with your child, and it can be for as little as ten to fifteen minutes per day. I find that when we make time to include it in our daily schedule, we’re more connected and appreciate each other more. It is so easy to let it slide, especially when we’re busy. But it’s such a small time investment for such a large payoff.  It’s really worth it.

Learning through play and allowing kids to follow their interests

“We learn to do something by doing it.  There is no other way. “–John Holt

I watched my son focus for close to an hour as he watched and tried to catch a frog at a local park.   He was completely engrossed and working really hard.  No frogs were harmed or caught, but it was such an illustration to me of the John Holt quote above.  He was definitely learning, analyzing, and using everything he knew.

“If it hasn’t been in the hand and body, it can’t be in the brain.” –Bev Boss

Child-led learning works this way.  No agenda from parents or teachers.  My son was still learning, experimenting, and directing me how I could help.  I was there to help if asked, and to share in the experience.  To have a real conversation with him about what was happening.

Right now, while my son is in half-day kindergarten, we still have enough time for adventures.  But it is definitely one of many reason I’m leaning heavily toward homeschool next year, when he’ll be in school all day.  I can’t imagine not having the time or energy to take him to do these things that he enjoys.

I read so much on this topic, and think so much comes down to trusting our kids.  And most people are too afraid to do that.  It’s outside what is accepted practice in the US for educating our children.    But why?  Why is it so hard to believe that kids can know what they need?

And even if we choose that homeschool is the right choice for our family, I think this is still a conversation we can’t ignore.  Children learn through play and hands-on discovery. Choosing to opt out of the system isn’t a viable option for everyone and most children are still being subjected to an educational system that doesn’t line up with what we know about how children learn. Parents are the ones who can change what schools look like and how they treat students.  No more saying, “Well, I’m not hearing anything negative from my child.  So it must be okay.”  All our children deserve for us to stand up and challenge the status quo.


School volunteering made hard

I always thought I’d volunteer at my children’s school when the opportunity arose. I do remember as a kid not really liking it when my mom would be in my school volunteering, unless I could be with her. But generally I was glad she was around, and glad she was involved.

I had my first volunteer opportunity to volunteer for a PTA walkathon that was held during school hours. It was hot and rather horrible, honestly. My son had a huge meltdown once he realized I was there.  He was miserably hot and when he spotted me, his emotion let loose.  After the walkathon he refused to go back into school. The event was really bad, so I can’t really blame his reaction. It was hot, kids were begging (and not being allowed) to stop walking before they had completed the mile walk. Several straggling kindergartners got lost in the woods during the walk.  There wasn’t enough supervision, so kids were fighting after the walkathon, throwing their snacks and water at each other.

I actually chose to sign him out rather than force him back into school. The teachers let me decide, and the secretary said it was fine and noted how hot it had been during the event. I hadn’t expected his reaction and wasn’t really prepared to deal with it. I’m not sure I made the right decision but it was the decision that felt best at the time. But now I’m really second guessing whether I can volunteer in his classroom at all.

His teacher asked for parent volunteers to help in the kindergarten class while they work on their work stations. But the work stations don’t occur in the middle of the class time, and I’m not sure my son will cooperate when it’s time to for me to leave. I would really, really like to view the classroom dynamics for myself and witness the atmosphere that my son complains about so much.  So I’m really trying to figure out how to make volunteering work.

I know many kids don’t react the way mine do. Most seem happy to see their parents and just as happy to have them leave. But if you have a child like mine, I’d love to hear how you make it work. Do you volunteer at your children’s events and school?

It’s Okay to Say No (Even if you’re a kid)

We were playing at the pool one day recently when several adult family members stopped by. One of them directed my son to demonstrate how he recently learned to jump into the deep end. My son said, “We’re in the middle of a game. I can’t right now.” So the adult said to the cousin he was playing with, “You show how you can jump in.” And she went right away without comment and climbed out and jumped in. And I understood it. Because it’s what I would have done (and been expected to do) as a kid.

I fully support my son’s right to defend his play. He wasn’t rude. We’d never question an adult who said “I’m in the middle of something, but will be with you when I’m done.” As an adult who has a lot of difficulty speaking up for myself and saying no, it is actually a skill I am working hard to help my children develop.

“The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.” Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

I’ve realized something recently as well. As much as we support our kids in their learning to voice their opinions, say no, and stand up for themselves, one of my kids has a much easier time doing it than the other. I can’t really take credit for doing more than not squashing this instinct that he was born with. It is who he is. He bravely stands up for the choices he makes and for what he feels is fair. We’ve surrounded him with situations and people who have supported him in that endeavor, like his wonderful preschool teachers. But a lot comes down to who he is, his personality, and his temperament.

I thought we had it all figured out and were really doing something right—ha! And now my daughter is old enough to be in similar situations. And she’s asking a lot more questions about what other people would like her to do. She has a lot harder time making decisions. She is a very sensitive child, definitely a highly sensitive person (HSP), but in a very different way than my son. Other skills, such as sharing and empathizing, coming easier to her. She reminds me so very much of me. And I’m realizing that we will see over the next few years if the supports we’ve put in place help her to develop confidence in her skills as well. Our own nature vs. nurture experiment. But I’m doing everything I can to support nurture.

“We learn to do something by doing it.  There is no other way.”  John Holt

I want my children to know themselves better than I knew myself. I also want them to be able to express their interests and beliefs with confidence, as well as to stand up for themselves when those beliefs are challenged. So I’ll support them in practicing now.  There’s no better time to start.

To School or Homeschool, that is the question

I’m still struggling with the question of school or homeschool for my kindergarten-aged son. He’s been in public school kindergarten for 3 weeks now, after we decided to give it a try for the reasons I outlined in this earlier post.

School–What I’m struggling with:

Rewards—my son has been in a wonderful preschool classroom for 3 years where teachers never used rewards to gain children’s cooperation. I find myself going back to Alfie Kohn’s quote, “The more compulsive the use of positive rewards, the bleaker the underlying view of children…” The teacher actually said at her curriculum night presentation that she couldn’t imagine the children being helpful, considerate of others, and listening if she didn’t use the rewards system. Multiple children, mine included, are struggling with the fairness of the rewards. My son told me last week that he got a sticker for helping someone find something in the room. His response was “now I know what to do to get a sticker!” The focus for him is now on the sticker and not why he should be helpful and kind in all situations.

Punishments—my son’s preschool teachers also never used punishments to gain control and cooperation either. He learned that everyone, kids and adults, make mistakes, and that we do what we can to fix our mistakes. So while my son should be getting to know the teacher and his classmates, instead, she is wielding time-outs sitting in front of the class to shame them, as early as the fifth day of school. When multiple parents questioned her use of time-outs, she quit using them. However, she also took away even more freedom from the kids, and took away all talking privileges in the classroom. Our school district as a whole uses a shame based behavior management system, instead of one of the many research-based positive behavior management systems out there, such as Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model.

Lack of respect for students—my kiddo is really struggling with being treated less than respectfully by the adults. He really dislikes silliness, and there’s been a lot of it. Forced performance, forced hand-holding, forced participation.  Being told to “hug yourself and hold a bubble” rather than just asked to be quiet and keep your hands to yourself. There has been no time for the students to get to know one another or their teacher to help foster a sense of community and cooperation.

I had high hopes of my son being welcomed into school by a warm and kind teacher who would create some excitement about being there. Instead, he keeps asking me to call and tell the teacher we moved.

The Little People School House from my childhood.  My kids love it, too.
The Little People School House from my childhood. My kids love it, too.

School–What’s been positive:

Schedule–Getting back on a schedule has been a good thing for us. I haven’t figured out what our schedule would be like if we were homeschooling. He only goes 2.5 hours per day, so it isn’t the whole day. Also, he goes in the afternoon. It might sound extreme, but if we had to get there at his school’s very early morning start time, our decision probably would have already been made.

Friends–My son’s best friend is in his class, and he wouldn’t see him much otherwise.  They do play after school on the playground sometimes, although they don’t have recess or time to play during school.  And we see a lot of neighborhood friends both on the way and at pick up every day.

Homeschooling—my latest thoughts on the positives:

More time—While being back on a schedule has been a good thing, our school time is in the middle of the day and it’s all we can accomplish out of the house most days.

Developmentally appropriate—going at our own pace, following interests, playing!

Homeschooling negatives:

One negative I’m still struggling with regarding homeschooling has to do with my particular kid. He won’t play without me when I’m present. Play dates are hard and rarely go smoothly. But he loved playing at preschool, where they had a very long free-play period, supported by respectful adults. I’m not sure how I can replicate that situation. Maybe a great sitter, but we sure haven’t found it yet. And school doesn’t serve that purpose either, since they don’t actually get to play, or even talk.

Me on the merry-go-round of indecision
Me on the merry-go-round of indecision

The summary for now:

I’m sure to anyone reading it seems that I’m leaning heavily toward homeschooling.  Why am I not doing it yet? Some of the reasons still hold true from my original list. But the biggest reason is that I just don’t know yet. The first 3 weeks of school aren’t the most true representation of school.  I’m hoping that as the year progresses they get to have more fun and freedom rather than less. But only more time will tell.

Why preschool was the best decision for this homeschooler at heart

I love the idea of homeschooling, and have been researching it now for several years. I’ve visited co-ops, met lots of homeschooling families, and been active in homeschool groups online. But I still sent my kids to preschool.

I didn’t actually start out with any thoughts of homeschooling. My son started preschool at 3.5 because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. He had a lot of separation anxiety, so I chose my preschool based on that one fact. And it was possibly my best decision ever. Our preschool had wonderful articles on its website about how they dealt with separation anxiety. That they actually did deal with it, and talk to the kids about it, and let parents stay in the class or in the hallway as long as they felt was necessary. And while we visited and liked the school, it was really that one fact that got us there.

But even once I was interested in homeschool for our family, we stayed at this wonderful preschool. My kids and my parenting have benefited so greatly from being at this preschool and among the teachers and community. And there have never been any worries for me, because the school is a shining example of developmentally appropriate practice. My kids have learned such amazing things that I truly believe will help them into adulthood, through play in this supportive environment.

They’ve learned to speak up for themselves and to stand up for themselves. They’ve learned to make choices on their own, and be responsible for themselves and their belongings. And they’ve learned that they can trust and rely on adults other than me and my hubsand. We don’t have family around that helps care for them, and I want them to know that there are other trustworthy adults that will treat them with respect, take care of them, and even like them! They learned that all their feelings and emotions are valid. They learned to deal with conflict and rejection, all while being coached along by supportive adults. They learned that they can really be themselves and people will still treat them respectfully, even if they aren’t all friends.

I can’t imagine our lives without this wonderful school in it. I feel very fortunate that we we found it and my children were able to attend.


Opting out of standardized testing in kindergarten

I did it! I opted out of the first standardized test for my kindergartner. It is a huge relief to have the letters in and be done with the first of many decisions.

I’d been researching and debating for quite awhile about the state-wide, beginning of year testing. It starts immediately and continues through the first 2 months of school. I searched and found very little information available regarding opting out. There is very little information available about what the assessments really are. I spoke to several kindergarten teachers, and a couple were quite helpful. I spoke to people on opt-out pages on facebook, but had minimal success there, as most focus is on the tests for upper elementary grades.

The test I opted out of is a kindergarten readiness assessment. It is mostly one-on-one with the teacher, and because of that fact, many people seem to think it’s okay. But while the teacher spends hours administering these tests one-on-one, the class has a substitute teacher. So when they should be learning to love school with their welcoming teacher, kids are instead spending their first school days with a sub and being tested on what they know before they’ve learned anything at school. One teacher said that her students do poorly because none of them have been to preschool. But it seems that children like mine, who go to wonderful, play-based, developmentally appropriate preschool are also at a disadvantage. They have not been force-fed early academic skills because that is not what 3 and 4-year olds should be doing. But yet my anxious kid needs to go “show what he knows.” To what end? Parents said to me that they think this testing is a good way for kindergarten teachers to learn where the children are and what they need to learn. But what did teachers do before this testing? They got to know their students. My son’s class will be quite small, which is just a lucky fluke for us in public school. So that excuse holds no water in his class. The teacher can definitely get to know the students she will have without a standardized test.

I looked at our school district website, and there are 3 other assessments expected of kindergarten students before the year is out. 4 standardized tests in kindergarten. Why have we let it get here? I’m writing in the hopes of increasing awareness that these tests even exist, and that we as parents can opt out for our children.


A parent’s view of kindergarten assessment

I posted recently about how we are planning to try kindergarten for my son even though I’d truly love to homeschool. Today was his kindergarten assessment, a 20 minute meeting with his teacher to “tell what you know,” as I heard another parent put it. We did go today, because as I said in my other post, he will have a teacher new to the district and his assessment was with her, so we’d get to meet her. In many districts where we have friends, the assessments are done by a random teacher, and honestly, if that had been the case, we would have been out of town the week of assessments.

I had spoken to the previous teacher to ask if I would be allowed to stay during the assessment due to my son’s extreme separation anxiety, and she said yes. So I emailed the new teacher ahead of time to let her know, and she also agreed it was fine. However when we got to school today, she said if I stayed in the room, she’d have to reassess him again once school started when I wasn’t there. I’m guessing that’s due to rules with standardized testing. But what a way to undermine both teachers, parents, and students. Teachers can’t choose to allow a parent to stand across a room in a spot where the child can’t see him or her? Are we not all adults here? These assessments are assessing where kindergartners come into school. Is someone really thinking we’re going to “cheat?”

I was able to stand outside the room, but still where I could see. I actually don’t know if I was far enough away for it to “count” or not, which leads me to the thought that maybe I should opt my son out of the state kindergarten assessment at the beginning of the school year anyway. Today, he was asked a bunch of academic skills type questions, and maybe that’s the problem with me staying…that I’m not supposed to know what was asked? Again, something is wrong with that situation as well.

I liked his teacher-to be. She seemed kind and interested in getting to know my son, and we had a pleasant conversation after the assessment. But the whole interaction left a sour taste in my mouth. So many of the points I worry about with formal schooling came up just in this quick half hour at the school. Early academics, parents “needing” to be away from their children for schooling to “count,” the homework assignment we received today that has to be brought back on the first day of school.

There were also discouraging events surrounding these assessments, like the parent of my son’s classmates humble-bragging on facebook complaining, but also letting everyone know their 5 year old is already reading. Other parents comparing notes on whether they got “feedback” on how their children did. Because, you know, school is one big competition, right? And maybe you’ll say I’m just worried or jealous because my child is reserved in new situations and isn’t reading yet. Maybe that’s even a little true. But it doesn’t make it any less true that I have real reservations about the culture that I’m sending my child into. It’s going to be a big culture shock for us both, I’m afraid.